Another loved on makes the cross-over.

•April 18, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Hi Mike! How ya doing? Things here are not so good. Your Gram just found out she has about two more years left due to an aneurism if she doesn’t have a heart attack or stroke. You already know Phillip died in August. His heart just quit! He suffered awfully at the end. I couldn’t stand to see him suffer. I really mis him. He used to drop by a lot and talk. It was fun to talk with him.

I’m not trying to guilt you, Mike; but, since you died our family has gone to “hell in a hand basket!”  I feel lost with only one brother and a sister. I feel like all the ones gone were my kids too. Maybe because I am the oldest. I had five brother and sisters and now there are only two left. Dad’s gone and now Mom will soon be gone. It wsn’t supposed to be this way. I should have gone first. I am the oldest!

I saw your oldest  daughter recently. You would be very proud of her, The other three are also doing well.

 

Well, I have to go Mike. Take care. Tell everyone hi! We love and miss you all!

 

love,

Me

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Together again

•April 8, 2012 • 2 Comments

It’s been a while, Mike!  I haven’t forgotten you. I have just been doing stuff!  I know you and your Mom are glad to be together again. We all miss you both. Your Mom’s passing took us all by surprise. To be honest we lost her when you were killed in Kuwait.  I haven’t seen your girls in quite a while. Gram says they are all doing well. Apparently she saw them at a local store not too long ago! It helped us all to know she was wias where she wanted to be . with you! I have to go for now. Love you both! Tell Dad and Bubba hi. , We miss them too.

Mike

Mike (Photo credit: MarinaAvila)

It’s been a long time

•September 29, 2010 • Leave a Comment

It’s been a long time since I posted here Mike. You know many of the reasons, so I won’t go into them. None of those reasons deserve the dignity of publication here. But now that your mom got sick and died, I am at such a loss for words. She was always such a quiet person. But, her presence was felt by us all.  I just always thought she would go after me. She would always be around. It never occurred to me that her time was so close to an end. I can’t begin to explain how much her loss has affected me and the rest of us. Gram feels it worse than all of us. Fifty-eight years is a long time to live with someone you gave birth to and then just have them taken away in such a painful way.

I often feel like I can hear your Mom or feel her presence. I feel an over whelming sense of loss over the things we never talked about, the memories we never made, the memories we shared. Maybe now that you and her are together again, she is finally at peace. She never got over losing you. Every day we all watched as we lost more and more of her to her grief. The kids were the only thing in life she looked forward to each day.

Now I guess none of us will ever see them again since you are both gone. I find it strangely ironical someone can mourn the loss of one of their own loved ones and then inflict that same pain deliberately on others, even their own. But, that’s okay. One day they will be grown. They will find us themselves. I only hope the consequences of poor decisions and such careless disregard for the feelings of others will bring about formation of a missing conscience.

When you died Mike, we lost you, Bubba again, your mom and your kids, and Gram. I sure hope God has a plan and knows what He’s doing. It is obvious down here there is a lot of pain and no relief in sight.

Life is so “Bitter Sweet” at Times

•July 19, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Dear Mike,

It has been a while since I wrote to you here. So much has happened, where to start!

I think I will simply not write about everything and will just post about your Mom. The pain we have all felt since you left us has been at times over bearing. But, we were beginning to come to grips with your loss and move on to “that better p[ace,” whatever that is. At least all of us except your Gram and your Mom. Gram was taking a little longer, which is understandable. Your Mom, that is a different story. Before you left for Kuwait she promised you to look after “your girls” if anything happened to you. She did that Mike You would have been proud of the way she spent time with them and did all she could to help them handle their loss and grief. She spent every spare moment she could with them.

As time passed the rest of us were in awe of the time and love she gave them. They were her only reason to live. She was never the same after you died. A huge part of your Mom went to heaven with you at your passing. We all saw it. We all helplessly watched as she continued to hold onto her grief and slowly slip away from us all. The only bright spot in her life was the girls. We were all glad she had them and hoped that eventually she would begin to “heal!” That never happened.

We saw the gradual changes that began to occur with her, the quiet times more quiet than usual, the forgetfulness that begin to be more and more obvious, the agitation, the many subtle physical symptoms. Though the doctors told us all ‘nothing” we did would have made a difference, I often find myself wondering how much easier it would have been for her and how less alone she might have felt if we had put it all together sooner before her stroke. But, her cancer was an aggressive and deadly, killer. it ate away at her brain in so many areas that in the end she was only left with her ability to hear and understand to the very end all that went on around her. When she finally died, I was so glad she no longer felt the pain that ravaged her body. I was so glad that she was no longer trapped silently inside a body that could not allow her to speak, allow her to move, allow her to be whole again.

Part of me knows that she is happy to be with you. Part of me knows that she is better off feeling no more pain. But, I can’t help feeling unbearable pain at losing her. I can’t help feeling such an overwhelming sense of  anger at her for going away.  I know all the intellectual answers and reasons for my feelings. But, they bring little comfort. I can’t help but feel selfish for my feelings. She was the first of my brothers and sisters. She was special to me. I didn’t love her more than the rest. But, her special place in my heart never left me even when we grew up each went our own way. Life is so bitter sweet at times!

Mike

•January 8, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Went to see your Mom yesterday. She is holding her own. Silly me. you already know that. But, be that as it may, I still feel the need to write it down here for you. I suppose it makes me feel less helpless, as if I am doing something. She doesn’t seem to suffering much though she does have pain. Her cancer is in a place that seems to block the pain one would normally feel. We are all so grateful for this.

Your Mom’s spirit is amazingly high. Her attitude is phenomenal. Everyone, including the staff, is amazed at her bravery and courage.  When I look at your Mom and talk to her, I am always so proud to be her sister. It is not hard to see why you turned out to be such a great guy. Your Mom is inspirational!

She has fought the hard fight since July, and we all still make sure we go every day at least once when we can, sometimes more often. The whole family has rallied to her side. Gram is especially awesome. Unless she is sick or the roads are bad she goes every day T least once; but, often she goes back later. Her health is a factor as is her age. This has all been a strain on her. Again she must helplessly watch the passing of one of her children to the ravages of cancer. Her and Phillip both take care of all her needs on every front. They also keep us all updated. It is not a role I envy. I admire the way both of them remain so strong.

Other people from your Mom’s job and elsewhere maintain steady contact and support. The cards and “goodies” have helped your Mom tremendously. Your Mom certainly touched the lives of a great number of people.

She misses the kids a lot. She has started asking to see them more and more. apparently they have all been sick  or in contact with other kids who were sick. We all make sure she is not exposed to anything that will make her sick. It is just so hard for her to not see them as often as she did before she got sick! since you died, she has been very vigilant in her promise to you before you left to look after them. Of course she never needed you to ask. She is just that kind of Grandma. Her love to them is second only yo her love for you. They have helped fill the void left behind when you were killed. Thank God she had them and they her. Their love for your Mom is so obvious.

I wish you could answer my questions Mike. I find myself often asking, “Why God would do this awful thing to her?” She has spent her whole life helping others. She hasn’t a selfish bone in her entire body. At one time or another she has helped her the rest of the family when they needed help. Now, none of us can do nothing for her except be there for her.

Well, enough of that. Please look after her Mike. Help her feel peace. Help her see and feel our love. Help her not be afraid. Take care.Remember that not a day goes by that you are not in our thoughts and prayers. Not a day goes by that we don’t all miss you. Not a day goes by that we are not grateful for the time we were blessed by having you here with us even though you were only here for such a short time. Remember how much we did and still do love you.

Love,,

LIfe is never fair, it just goes on!

•December 29, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I never expected to have this discussion with you, Mike. At least in in my mind, that is what this post is to me. Just like no parent expects to ever outlive their child, no sister ever expects to outlive their younger siblings. Yet again, I find myself helplessly watching as cancer slowly devours another one of mine, your mom!

I have already tried all the fruitless bargaining efforts with God to convince Him He has made a mistake. I thought they were all valid arguments. God disagreed! It is very hard for me to reconcile God’s decision in my mind; but, I have no choice. His decisions are always final. But, just once, I wish God would be more amenable.

It just seems so unfair that after all she has gone through with losing you, that now she should have to face final battle for life. You know, she never recovered from your death. She just seemed to draw up inside herself and stay  there. Except for your girls, there was nothing that put any spark of life into her eyes again.

I go see her as often as I can. I like to go at night so she doesn’t have to be alone. I stay as long as I can each time. Sometimes she sleeps the whole time never knowing I am there. Other times she is awake and we watch T.V. and do some talking about whatever comes to mind. We haven’t as yet talked about her dying. Maybe we are both just afraid to bring it up. Maybe she thinks I will be unable to discuss this with her. Maybe I am afraid to upset her. I don’t know! But, often I see in her eyes what to me looks like questions, understanding, fear, compassion. Anger! Other times I see a tremendous sadness.

I know she will be glad to be with you again. But, I also know she loves your girls and really misses them. I am sure she worries about how they will handle yet another loss. She hasn’t seen much of them since she got sick. I don’t know why? But, when she’s gone to be with you, who will take her to visit you both?

A Thanksgiving Day Wish

•November 27, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Dear Michael,

Wish you were here today. Holidays are the hardest time when those you love are no longer with you! The big move is canceled for now. I know your Mom is happy that the girls won’t be moving. She never says much; but, she loves the girls. She spends as much time with them as she can. Now that you are gone, they are all she has. She misses you all the time. We all do, especially on days like today.

Today, Mike, is a day to be thankful for all we have been blessed with. We should all feel blessed for what we have, those we love, and, the time we had with those loved ones we have lost, even though that time may have been short. Sadly, it seems that we are all guilty at times of not fully appreciating these things until we lose them. I suppose that is because we are always in as constant state of denial that bad things can happen to all of us. We always hope that we will be different. Of course that isn’t the way life really is; but, somehow we get through those losses and go on!

Thank you, Mike, for all the joy you brought to our lives!

love,

Me